Sunday, December 23, 2007

Coke's marketing is getting really aggressive.

(I could have been wrapping presents. But instead I make things like this.)

Friday, December 21, 2007

Other Pardons Saudi King Abdullah Granted after Pardoning a Rape Victim

Pardoned Poland for being invaded in 1920, 1939, 1945, and 1673. (Not 1792.)

Pardoned Jackie Kennedy for climbing onto the back of a moving Lincoln Continental.

Pardoned Michael J. Fox for trembling a lot.

Pardoned the lower deck of the San Francisco Bay Bridge, onto which a 50-foot section of the upper deck fell during the 1989 Earthquake. Upper deck not pardoned.

Pardoned Cloris Leachman for recent inability to bear offspring.

Pardoned Michael J. Fox for raising funds; awareness. (Separate paperwork from above pardon.)

Pardoned black South Africans for their role in the Apartheid system.

Pardoned what went up for coming down.

Parrrrrrrrrrdonnnnned Steve Martin for living.


More info on title:

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Long term results of my high school graduation gifts in 1998:

I do not sweat the small stuff.

I wear sunscreen.

I lived in New York but left before it made me too hard, and lived in Northern California but left before it made me too soft.

I never have to go shoeless in the shower for the rest of my life.

I stay cool, K.I.T. and never change.

OH, the places I went!


This explains why all the Bangkok dudes turn the lights out....

Nang is apparently a form of Thai Shadow Puppetry. The above pictured are the "comedians."
Its actually pretty interesting. But not as interesting as the fact that its the first four letters of my atrocious last name. C'mon now.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Ning Nang Nong

Yep. This sums it up.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

"Christmas Shoes," the sequel

Dear Billy,

Jesus hated the shoes.

See you in Hell,

"Baby It's Cold Outside" revisited

"The Rufies Song (Date Rape Ditty)."

(Some of you might have already heard/read my thoughts on this matter.)

These are the lyrics as I recall them:

Female: I gotta go.

Male: Aw, stay, its cold.

Female: No really, gotta go.

Male: The windchill makes it even more frigid.

Female: My father, mother, brother, sister, and neighbors all know where you live.

Male: In here it is warm.

Female: Maybe just a half a drink more…oh god, stop looking at me like that…

Male: Bbrrrrrrrrrrr....

Female: Say- what's in this drink?

Male: Gosh your lips look delicious.

Female: Are you touching me?! I feel numb, and sleepy. So tired…

Male: What's the sense in hurting my pride.

Female: No means no.

Male: You mean, "No, you're not going outside because of the inclement whether?"

Female: I am calling the police right now…

Male: If you caught pneumonia and died it would totally bum me out.

Female: That's so sweet! Ok I'll stay!

Cop: Is there a problem here?

Female: Sorry officer, its all a misunderstanding.

Cop: Ok then! Bye!

Male: But officer its cold outside...

Christmas Music

I am particularly interested in the Christmas music that we all take for granted. Sometimes I think about the lyrics way too much. you will see what I mean in subsequent posts.

Monday, December 10, 2007

My freckles hold an awards ceremony before they hibernate for the winter.

It has been a great season of annoying Christine. Everybody worked hard as a TEAM and made the big plays. Onto the awards!

Most improved: Lower left cheek. You were under the radar for so long, this year you just kept improving and really proved to be a stand out annoyance.

Best Teamwork: Nose- cluster. You guys continue to impress us with your "eight-five as ONE" motto. Sometimes we couldn't tell where one of you ended and the next began. The true meaning of team.

Best attitude: Bottom lip. You were rarely seen, but we always knew you were there, encouraging the rest of us to pull through and upset.

Best comeback: Forehead cluster. After the devastating "Sloping bangs" incident of 2006, you were back, with a renewed vigor.

Sentimental Favorite: Upper lip cluster. Your "Mustache of Freckles" formation is an unmatched classic in bother and embarrassment.

Rookie of the year: Left knee. Where did you come from?

Best individual record: Neck. You're out there alone, but we can always count on you.

MVP: Right mid-cheek. Always there, always dependable, always exasperating.

Most-concerning: Sternum. You're bigger than you were last year, and will most likely need to be surgically removed from the squad. You'll always be with us in spirit.

Best performance by a group: Shoulder clusters, September 29. You guys really stepped it up for Erin's wedding. You're rarely shown, by when your time came, you rose to the challenge.

Special thanks:
the Sun, Ireland, and the Sun.

Despite Christine's constant berating of us, we stepped it up and proved that we are a force to be reckoned with. Even on the days when she tried to cover us, we found a way to shine through and make her look unsophisticatedly cutesy. We are all winners in the sense that she is a loser! Let's enjoy a well-deserved off season!

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Presenting: The BANGOVER

Forget the hangover. There are so many other types nights to recover from…and we all owe it to our friends and co-workers to be as specific as possible about why we are being grumpy and unproductive.

Presenting: my inventions for summer '07 and beyond. Please credit me if you use them. Please use them. I hope you have reason to…

We'll start with the best one:

BANGOVER™: the tired, sometimes achy, often giddy, likely shame-ridden feeling after a night of well, you know…

DANGOVER™: all of the above, but with pride and bravado.

NANGOVER™: Oh, don't you wish…

Other Options:
TANGOVER™: Too. Many. Astronauts.

FANGOVER™: too late- you're already a vampire! I really hope you had fun! Oopsie!

GANGOVER™: the morning after you got "initiated."

MANGOVER™: bonin' in the tropics.

YANGOVER™: he got his, where was yours?

KRANGOVER™: recovering an evening that's Bee-bop and Rocksteady.

The list actually does go on, thanks to the fact that I have a lot of funny friends. But we'll stop it there and you can comment with your additions. Like what happened when I posted this on MySpace in May.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

H.G. Wells' Sex Machine!

My writing partner Lee and I wrote a show! Its called "H.G. Wells' Sex Machine."

I am posting this in December but I am dating it November 29, when the show was.

Come to the show!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007


Halloween used to have something to do with scaring off spirits by making them too obese to haunt you. Or something. But now, its just that day for guys to dress like girls and girls to dress like whores.

I'll admit, Halloween is the prime opportunity to wear makeup you'd never usually wear. (Last time, I spent the better part of 30 minutes applying eye liner. I thought I looked stupid, until I realized that I was still wearing less makeup than half the people I work with.)

There are the standards- the sexy nurse, the sexy devil, and the sexy french maid. There's also the sexy school girl ("I'm going as pedophiila for Halloween!") and the sexy black cat ("Not weird if you don't think about it, but pretty weird if you think about it a lot"). Last year, I saw in addition the aforementioned: a sexy referee, a sexy pirate, a sexy peter pan, a sexy neanderthal, a sexy gypsy, and a sexy butterfly to name a few. ( I went as a woman who normally dresses slutty but dresses conservatively on Halloween... or I was too lazy to even wear a costume. Whatev.)

More ideas to try: sexy mailcarrier, sexy outsourced-indian-tech support, sexy senator, sexy pope, sexy refrigerator, sexy Lindy England, sexy octogenarian, sexy Ralph Nader, sexy fire hydrant, and sexy transmitted disease.

Sadly, though, adult Halloween costume choices pretty accurately reflect the status of "sexy" dynamics in America; which is, you know, pretty pathetic and immature. But so is eating candy out of a pillow case.

So, my costume for this year is the lady from the "Honey Bunches of Oats" commercials who says 'We have ta feed America!!" I'm not sure there is anything sexy about that, but, perhaps years from now, there will be.

(I'm forced by my own sensibilites to note that likening revealing clothing to "whorish" is somewhat innacurate, as choice in attire does not and should not dictate sexual behavior or the perception of such. But you know what I mean...)

Thursday, October 11, 2007

The New Adventures of Poor Christine


Today, I saw an ad for women's Halloween costumes, and one of them was a sexy Freddy Krueger. What the hell.

Anyway, it made me think about something I wrote last Halloween, and I got to thinking that I want to compile the random things, blogs and whatever, that I have written over the past few years in a central place. In addtion I think it would be a good idea to keep one of these as I try to keep friends in Philly, Pittsburgh, and beyond posted about the New Adventures of Poor Christine. Its more for me than you. Ok, its a little bit for you. Who I am kidding, Can I get you some lemonade?