Thursday, January 3, 2008

The break-up. Or, Not everybody does it, but everybody should. Or, WHAM! puns!

We need to talk.

I’m leaving you. This can't be coming as a complete surprise. The signs have been there from the beginning.

Take last Christmas, for example. I know we had just started going out, and everything was still new and exciting and sweetly awkward. I gave you a handmade card and a smoke detector.

Last Christmas, you gave me what was clearly just a re-gifted George Michael heart. And it wasn’t even Christmas. It was the very next day.

This year, to save me from tears, I’m leaving you for somebody special.

I mean, really. The heart--- it still had the boom-boom that someone, presumably you, had previously put into it.

Of course, I pretended to like it. But how was that practical? Or even romantic? Another man’s heart, wrapped in the box those big chocolate oranges come in. You could have got me something I could keep hangin’ on, like a yo-yo. That's fun!

I ended up just re-regifting it to my Preacher/Teacher since his birthday is in February. He hasn't spoken to me since! I gotta say it was smelling pretty badly by that point. I should have known better than to cheat a friend.

And then Valentine’s day! All of my coworkers wanted to see what you had gotten me; how was I supposed to explain I that all you gave me was your “sex?” I’ll agree that it’s natural and chemical. I’m willing to give you logical. But habitual and sensual? Try defending that point in the breakroom.

Sometimes I think that you'll never understand me. Understand me!

Then there was the time you… well, you know what you did. Suffice it to say, I’m never gonna dance again. (And that's according to three separate specialists.)

It makes me crazy when you act so cruel.

And then the other night, we were just starting to get hot and heavy- you leaned over and told me you wanted to be my father figure. So gross!! (Just in case you were at all serious, here's a little advice: Don't let your son go down on you.)

That was it. I don’t belong to you, and you don’t belong to me.

Don’t worry about me. But say a prayer, and pray for the other ones. The other fools who are dumb enough to go out with you. I CHOOSE LIFE!

I have to leave now, my ride is here. Ladies and Gentleman, Mr. Elton John!


Brian said...

But... I wrapped it up and sent it! With a note saying "I love you!' I meant it!!

KC said...

(Standing ovation) But I'll wait for something more.

sharon said...

You've gotta give for what you take.

Browasaurus said...

Sometimes I think you'll never understand me.

3nips said...

Well. Maybe we should all be praying for time.

Josh said...

This piece had a certain stylistic pace and rhythm, which, among other things, assuages my fears about the culpability of your feet vis-a-vis the various criminal charges that have been bandied about.

ryandubbs said...

Wow Christine, this guy really must have wronged you. You speak so Ridge(d)ly.

Switch said...

...something about assless pants...