Saturday, January 12, 2008

The Day When Somebody Sh*t on my Front Step

This happened about a year ago when I was living in Pittsburgh. Someone asked me about it recently so decided to repost it. The lessons learned are universal.-cfn


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A friend of mine was in the beginning stages of a relationship, the part where everything is magical and great and you still notice little things (“little things” like how they bite their lip when they’re nervous, not “little things” like how freaking loudly they chew.) The woman my friend was dating actually poetically noted the "angle of his jaw" or something sweet like that in a post bursting with the iambic energy of a blogger in love.

The same day I read that I received an email from my friend who was 5 months pregnant and couldn’t be more excited. All the lovely details were shared ("the ultrasound showed him kicking and flipping all over the place") and I was unspeakably happy for her.

Now, onto my day. I was working two annoying shifts at the restaurant.
Also: somebody sh*t on my front step.

No, I am not making this up. Yes, it was most definitely human feces, unless bears poop unnoticed through the streets of Pittsburgh. (But in fairness I never saw a bear's excrement and could not attest to its similarity- or dissimilarity - to that of a human.)

I will remind the reader: somebody sh*t on my front step.

I was living above a chiropractor's office-- you had to walk through his waiting room to get to the apartment. To get into the building, you had to walk up a handicap ramp (unless you're handicapped) then you are on the porch. You walk up on step to get in the door. It was on this very step that somebody sh*t.

I had been outside earlier and it wasn't there, so it happened while I was in the building. I do not necessarily take this as a personal insult, and have considered that perhaps Dr. Smith downstairs relaxed a patient just so. I also have considered it as simply a cosmic sign of good luck. When I left for my second shift, I just regarded the specimen, stepped over it, and left.

Irresponsible! I thought, I should have done something to clean it up. But I didn't... and it was gone by time I got home a few hours later. Success! A strange and unusual problem solved as a result of me doing absolutely nothing! I decided I should approach more of my life's perplexing aspects as I did that magnificent day:

assess situation
emit sounds like "huh"
remember details and arrange ideas for future entertaining narration
completely side-step obvious solution
wait for someone else to deal with it

It worked this day, when somebody sh*t on my front step. I learned a lot from the sh*tt*ng someone did on my front step. The extra asterisk there was extravagant.

I can only hope the same happens to you. Good luck!

1 comment:

R2DFart said...

A bear poop is as large as your head. I should know, I've seen bear poop and your head. Plus they poop on the go, much like a horse. I learned this all from the John Candy movie, The Great Outdoors.