Thursday, June 26, 2008

Just a Few Housekeeping Notes Before We Get Started with this Mass Suicide

I'd like to welcome everyone to the Harrisburg Ramada Inn! I just can't believe our convention is finally here. Real quick, though, I just have a few housekeeping notes to get through before we get started with this mass suicide.

First and foremost, all praise to our cosmic leader, Zergoz! I'm sure he smiles down upon this gathering.

I'll be brief with these logistics, as I know you are all anxious to get freshened up, shave your heads, and remove your canine teeth using the Spoon of Galactic Sparrow. If you've forgotten your Spoon, please call Hotel Reception, extension 101.

Now, folks, it is imperative that everyone be wearing their name tags at all times. They will get you into this afternoon's buffet, as well as help the police to identify the bodies.Speaking of bodies let's talk about this attendance! We are officially at 144 people! This is almost double last year- at least that's what we've gleaned from diaries obtained through the Freedom of Information Act.

In regards to overnight parking, well, I do hope everyone took our advice and either took public transportation or got dropped off by a loved one, it just makes more sense.

If you'll all take a quick look at your programs, you'll see we've added a few extra sessions of the more popular workshops. In Conference Room A, we'll have a looping video of Zergoz's Six Loathful Sermons to a Doomed Universe; in Room B, we'll have a panel discussion on the Acid Baths of the Devoted; and set up in the Terrace Room we have DJ Rumble and his classic rock karaoke! Please note that workshop attendance is optional. The only required participation is the mass suicide.

A few of you have approached me and mentioned that you brought your own letters. I hate being "that guy," but we really do prefer that everyone's suicide notes are written from an ink well of our collective blood. This is in accordance with the Prophesy which, as a courtesy, we have provided in pamphlet form in your welcome packet. Kindly destroy your original letter.

At this time, please take a moment to notice that the fire exits are to the left of the stage. Also, note that they will be barricaded at 8 p.m. sharp. The pill-swallowing will begin in the Ballroom promptly at 9:07 p.m. If you're not good with swallowing pills, just alert your nearest volunteer who will provide you with a spoonful of sherbet. You can identify these dedicated volunteers by the ribbons hanging from their namebadges; also, because they will be the last to die.

Now, this part is fun...everyone look under your chairs. Who has a red dot taped to the bottom of their chair? Oh, there you are! Congrats! You get to have Zergoz's Sacred Coordinates burnt into your thighs as your human shell is placed in the northeast corner of the room. I'm jealous!

Oh, and I just have to thank the fantastic members of this Ramada staff! Be kind to them, folks, as they'll have a heck of a time cleaning up after our 144 cold, stiff, impossibly intertwined carcasses. At least they will have tomorrow's completely untouched complimentary breakfast to enjoy!

I've been asked to remind you about check out time tomorrow… I'm kidding! Go forth in the steps of our vengeful overlord! Praise be to Zergoz. And hey- don't cut in line at the buffet!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Slogans that, in retrospect, were a bad idea

Tiger Woods' Golf Gatorade: Drink, Drive, Repeat.

Baby Ruth DQ Blizzards: Shake a Baby!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Nba Finals, Food, Rape


---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: <>
Date: Tue, Jun 17, 2008 at 12:47 PM
Subject: Outside.In News Around You: Nba Finals, Food, Rape
To: matthewacutler
June 17, 2008

Log In »
Providence News »
Celtics Get 2 More Shots For Banner - June 16, 2008
The Boston Celtics are home, not home free. Unable to put the finishing touches on the Los Angeles Lakers and wrap up their first championship since 1986, the NBA's best team since November flew back across three time zones Monday for a Game 6 they were hoping they wouldn't have to play. »
Grocery News: Four Town Farm, Close-By Produce ParadiseKIDOINFO - June 16, 2008
Yum! Local strawberries are ready. Whether you prefer to buy them in cunning quart baskets at a farm stand or pick them by the bushel, it's time to eat strawberries in Rhode Island. Every day. Possibly at every meal. Many berry lovers in the Providence area associate U-Pick berry season [...] »
Man accused in carjacking, rape to be arraignedWJAR Providence - June 16, 2008
A man accused of carjacking a woman at knifepoint and then raping her is scheduled for an arraignment Monday. »
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(Thanks to Matt Cutler.)

Friday, June 13, 2008

Tim Russert 1950-2008

I admired and loved him an unhealthy amount.

Rest in Peace.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Trenton is incredibly important in the grand scheme of things.

Treton makes the world takes

Trenton bakes the world cakes

Trenton flakes the world rakes

Trenton shakes the world quakes

Trenton wakes the world lakes

Trenton takes the world aches

Friday, June 6, 2008

Ads for M. Night Shyamalan's new movie "The Happening"


(these were taken via cell phone on the L train.)

If I knew how to do such things I would splice the "The Happening" commercial with the horrific push-pin commercials.