(McSweeneys.net published this yesterday! -cn)
Hello! As you can see, I'm a professional wedding photographer; thanks so much for stopping at my booth. A little about me: I'm 39 years old, single, and I am ready to photograph your wedding!
Take a look at my work: I've got a unique eye and I create a visual journal of personal moments, like your vows, during which, as a professional, I assure you I will not sigh heavily.
I have 18 years of professional photography experience. I will take traditional posed photos as well as fun candid shots that capture the atmosphere of the day. I will not wear my shortest black leather skirt, continuously drop my lens cap near the groom, and then bend over seductively to pick it up. In fact, I always leave my lens cap at home so this doesn't happen!
I consistently rate among Brides magazine's "top 10" wedding photographers. That's a reputation you can count on. You can also count on the fact that I would never pay my cousin Phil to steal a kiss from the bride in a way that makes it look like she's totally into it, take a Polaroid, and then pull the groom aside before the ceremony and say, "I know it's not my place to say anything, but you need to see this ... I'm so sorry. Did you want to go for a walk or something?"
I'm a hometown girl! I graduated at the top of my class at Temple University in 1991, and returned two years later for a Master of Fine Arts degree.
Now, if I find that I do, in fact, need that lens cap, trust that I will not beg the groom to drive me to my apartment so I can get it, and then, once we're there, convince him to help me look for my lens cap in my new deluxe shower.
I will make you a DVD slideshow of your photos set to your favorite love songs!
Once in the shower, frantically searching for my lens cap, I will not block the shower door, turn on the warm water, and say, "Whoops, I just remembered ... That lens cap is hidden somewhere on my soft, fertile, supple body, a body that needs and deserves love just like anybody else ... in fact, just like your bride does ... Oh God, what have I become?," and then reach over, unlock the shower door, and scream, "Go to her!"
I know Photoshop, Aperture, and Final Cut.
You will not find me later, still soaking wet from the shower, hiding out in your reception hall's boiler room, smoking a marijuana cigarette, and telling your 8-year-old flower girl, "You know, Madison, love doesn't exist. You're gonna die alone."
Oh, almost forgot! If you refer a friend, you get 25 percent off all your services. Then I'll see you folks again at someone else's wedding!
I will cut the brake lines on zero limousines.
So, here's my card! I can't wait to shoot you. With my camera, of course! Not my gun. Ha! My gun is in my car.