Monday, January 21, 2008

I'm so happy...

I'm so happy, I think I'll flip a car!

Won't you help me? I must use car-flipping to demonstrate my delight!

Let's see. This car here. Is it in a natural, roof-on-top position? CHECK! Now, let us make it so this automobile is festively upside down!

You and your lady friend with the half-closed eyes overcome by hysteria and hair glitter. Both of you, help me flip this car!

And there, that man hopping and saying "Woooo." The one wearing no shirt, no shirt at all. I am positive he would want to be in on this car-flipping.

I see, through blissful tears, a woman near the curb. Her hair as big and beautiful as my bursting heart; her baby hastily bundled in team colors for this freezing midnight near-riot. I put it to you that each would equally cherish the spectacle of a Nissan Sentra going tires up.

I must now echo the shirtless: Woooo!

We require more assistance, as this is not only a difficult physical task but it is one that will prove a turning point, a milestone, a measuring stick in countless lives. How about that young man there in the street whose painted nipples are as bold as his misdirected sense of pride? Indeed!

Oh, car—oh, comrades—our proceedings this day are extraordinary!

I shall wait for you to pour that beverage over your head. Done? Onward!
(Hey- I'm feeling bad about not posting lately. Recycling old ones is good

Saturday, January 12, 2008

The Day When Somebody Sh*t on my Front Step

This happened about a year ago when I was living in Pittsburgh. Someone asked me about it recently so decided to repost it. The lessons learned are universal.-cfn


A friend of mine was in the beginning stages of a relationship, the part where everything is magical and great and you still notice little things (“little things” like how they bite their lip when they’re nervous, not “little things” like how freaking loudly they chew.) The woman my friend was dating actually poetically noted the "angle of his jaw" or something sweet like that in a post bursting with the iambic energy of a blogger in love.

The same day I read that I received an email from my friend who was 5 months pregnant and couldn’t be more excited. All the lovely details were shared ("the ultrasound showed him kicking and flipping all over the place") and I was unspeakably happy for her.

Now, onto my day. I was working two annoying shifts at the restaurant.
Also: somebody sh*t on my front step.

No, I am not making this up. Yes, it was most definitely human feces, unless bears poop unnoticed through the streets of Pittsburgh. (But in fairness I never saw a bear's excrement and could not attest to its similarity- or dissimilarity - to that of a human.)

I will remind the reader: somebody sh*t on my front step.

I was living above a chiropractor's office-- you had to walk through his waiting room to get to the apartment. To get into the building, you had to walk up a handicap ramp (unless you're handicapped) then you are on the porch. You walk up on step to get in the door. It was on this very step that somebody sh*t.

I had been outside earlier and it wasn't there, so it happened while I was in the building. I do not necessarily take this as a personal insult, and have considered that perhaps Dr. Smith downstairs relaxed a patient just so. I also have considered it as simply a cosmic sign of good luck. When I left for my second shift, I just regarded the specimen, stepped over it, and left.

Irresponsible! I thought, I should have done something to clean it up. But I didn't... and it was gone by time I got home a few hours later. Success! A strange and unusual problem solved as a result of me doing absolutely nothing! I decided I should approach more of my life's perplexing aspects as I did that magnificent day:

assess situation
emit sounds like "huh"
remember details and arrange ideas for future entertaining narration
completely side-step obvious solution
wait for someone else to deal with it

It worked this day, when somebody sh*t on my front step. I learned a lot from the sh*tt*ng someone did on my front step. The extra asterisk there was extravagant.

I can only hope the same happens to you. Good luck!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Things I’ll teach my hypothetical children.

1. The Epiphany/Little Christmas (January 6) is when Baby J’s dried and and knotted umbilical cord fell off, revealing his sacred little belly button.* The wisemen said “History shall promptly forget this day.” But they were wrong. The Italians celebrate by putting their shoes outside their houses in hopes of getting candied baby umbilical knots.

*His would become the most famous belly button ever, thanks to the immense popularity of crucifices! Never stop believing in YOU!

Thursday, January 3, 2008

The break-up. Or, Not everybody does it, but everybody should. Or, WHAM! puns!

We need to talk.

I’m leaving you. This can't be coming as a complete surprise. The signs have been there from the beginning.

Take last Christmas, for example. I know we had just started going out, and everything was still new and exciting and sweetly awkward. I gave you a handmade card and a smoke detector.

Last Christmas, you gave me what was clearly just a re-gifted George Michael heart. And it wasn’t even Christmas. It was the very next day.

This year, to save me from tears, I’m leaving you for somebody special.

I mean, really. The heart--- it still had the boom-boom that someone, presumably you, had previously put into it.

Of course, I pretended to like it. But how was that practical? Or even romantic? Another man’s heart, wrapped in the box those big chocolate oranges come in. You could have got me something I could keep hangin’ on, like a yo-yo. That's fun!

I ended up just re-regifting it to my Preacher/Teacher since his birthday is in February. He hasn't spoken to me since! I gotta say it was smelling pretty badly by that point. I should have known better than to cheat a friend.

And then Valentine’s day! All of my coworkers wanted to see what you had gotten me; how was I supposed to explain I that all you gave me was your “sex?” I’ll agree that it’s natural and chemical. I’m willing to give you logical. But habitual and sensual? Try defending that point in the breakroom.

Sometimes I think that you'll never understand me. Understand me!

Then there was the time you… well, you know what you did. Suffice it to say, I’m never gonna dance again. (And that's according to three separate specialists.)

It makes me crazy when you act so cruel.

And then the other night, we were just starting to get hot and heavy- you leaned over and told me you wanted to be my father figure. So gross!! (Just in case you were at all serious, here's a little advice: Don't let your son go down on you.)

That was it. I don’t belong to you, and you don’t belong to me.

Don’t worry about me. But say a prayer, and pray for the other ones. The other fools who are dumb enough to go out with you. I CHOOSE LIFE!

I have to leave now, my ride is here. Ladies and Gentleman, Mr. Elton John!