Sunday, March 23, 2008

Things I'll Teach My Hypothetical Children #2

Easter Sunday is the first recorded zombie uprising. Except it was just one zombie and it was Jesus. And he didn't eat brains he just loved everybody. But things are different now, so you should be very very afraid of zombies these days.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Patrick was the Patron Saint of Miller Lite

Princess with the green eye shadow and Amstel:
You need to know: Everyone does NOT love an Irish Girl. Your tiny green shirt is a lie. In fact, you wearing that shirt probably makes a lot of reasonable people hate you. Oh, you’re half Irish on your mom’s side? Nobody cares.

Douchebag with green beads cheering for the bagpipes: I will not obey your t-shirt and kiss you because you’re Irish. It should say “look at my shirt I’m wearing a shirt.”

Genius at the Jukebox with a hoodie that says “this is my party shirt”: You’re playing a song that repeats “Up the RA.” You are so proud that you know that means support for the Irish Republican Army. You fail to understand the terrorism perpetrated by the group as of recent years. But hey what a fun dance you’re doing!

Buddy with plastic glasses where the lenses are shaped like beer bottles and they say “beer goggles”: I hate you.

Indian dude with an “I’m half-Irish” Tee:
Ok somehow that makes me laugh!

But then I feel guilty for laughing, and I bottle it all up inside…so I start drinking to forget the guilt, which causes me to feel so ashamed that I stay in my home and never see the sun, where I drink more, and I start to hate myself so much that I develop and unreasonable bravado that lends itself to pointless brawling, then I entertain myself by dancing without moving my arms.

I’m Irish!

Help.